No need to ask my name to figure out how cool I am

The monthly dance riot that is the Bang! occurred last Saturday. In Ann Arbor. This location can lead difficulties in placing yourself on the dancefloor of the Blind Pig if you happen to live 70 miles away, say in East Lansing and do not own a vehicle. Thus, I have created a simple decision-making graph for your ease.

(or, click on image if you are too old to read the type)


Once you arrive, follow the natural process of pre-Bang! activities; this will help to alleviate stress accumulated during the last month and prepare your body for the beating it will take at the Blind Pig.

Procedure:
1. Put on clothes. Naturally, this will mean taking off more clothes than you put back on.

2. Apply make-up and fix hair.

3. Mix first vodkaredbull*. Notice this step occurs after step 2. After. If you are short on time, it is allowable to insert step 3 midway through step 2.

4. Pound second and third vodkaredbull. Take shots while waiting for cab.

5. Take pictures of how your outfit is supposed to look.





















6, 7, 8...the rest gets a bit blurred, will report later on developments.

*Definition of first vodkaredbull: half a glass ketel one vodka, half a can red bull. The equalized chemistry is perfect for this cocktail.

Political party

Elections are owning photographic space in the media now (it's either that or crazy-faced financial people - like this ham). Angry and strange photographs of McCain abound, Palin's face and legs are everywhere - and by everywhere, I mean media savvy blogs and satirical cable shows - and attempts to make Obama seem like a huggable professor appear on first pages. However, rarely are the alternative choices given their 15 minutes of fame.

Here is the photogenic presidential alternative.

The candidates


Photo-ops with the candidates



Intimate photo-ops with the candidates







A power couple



Candids - to show the candidates are just like you, except more fabulous.







Who are the supporters of these fabulous nominees?

Your average Jack, Jim or Jameson.






What issues are important to them?

The right to bare...anything.



Freedom of expression.



The downfall of the economy, global warming and the subsequent effects these events will have on the centrifugal forces of the rotation of the earth. Gravity exists now, but what happens when the sky falls?





Will efforts be made to help the common American back on to their feet?



Who will come to the rescue?



And will their assistance be appreciated and accepted by the public?

Demo for a Saturday night

Saturday

Warm-up for the evening:

1. Meet at local blues bar. Observe local middle-agers jiggling around the dance floor to classic sexy sounds like "Superstition." Sharpen sarcastic wit for later use.

2. Ride on the very narrow seat of a road bike desperately clinging to the shirt of the person pedaling to the next bar. Approximately half a mile. Approximately amazing no crashes were involved.

3. Arrive at local watering hole with arms raised in 'V' for victory. Or, if you happen to be upside-down, 'A' for alcohol.

4. Realize a disposable camera is stashed in your messenger bag awaiting the appropriate BAC level.

The main event:



Record your surroundings.



Eat pizza with inch-deep cheese.



Get to know your bartender. He's the best. And he controls the booze flow.



And, if you're lucky, give you amazing sunglasses he found. Then take posed pictures.



And more pictures. See, I told you he's a good guy.

Unfortunately, bars in Michigan close their doors at 2 AM. You, however, may be beginning to feel the energetic sugars of whiskey flowing through your veins at this time. Bid adieu to your bar friends and their morning responsibilities, hop on your bike (responsibly, you are not operating a motor vehicle) and speed to your local college town. It's Saturday, after all, and you know people.

Arrive at large house. From previous research, you know the best hours spent here start after the bars close. The residents are just hitting their peak performance hours at the turn of the days.
Walk purposefully through rooms until people you know greet you.
Share some refreshments.
Take pictures.





Dance.



Chat.



Pose for pictures that you will laugh hysterically at when they are developed. That was your sexy photo face?!



Give the disposable camera to strangers who are somehow now a great friend. They will take candids.



Look crazy. There is a full moon.



Take pictures with people you will not recognize in the morning.




Wake up Sunday morning. Slowly piece together information from the night as the brain recollects itself. Check Facebook and your email outbox for specifics on who you tried to contact at 6 AM before dozing off.